Marvellous book and the circumstances in which I got it...
It was an evening of late March some 5 years ago. We entered an empty house. In fact the door was missing. Everyone has moved out and the place was soon to be demolished. In an empty room, on a wooden table laid a book – one single item remaining in that space... nothing else around, not even much furniture. I came closer to read the title and it said: „Comfortable with Uncertainty”. As it was the time when we ourselves were forced to move from a neighbouring house (also to be demolished) – the uncertainty was on full blast. We did not know where we would live next, and even if it was to be in the same country. The house where we've met and had lived in was a beautiful and unique place that we bonded with and being forced to leave it all of the sudden was surely not comfortable. But it took us new places.. It brought freshness. It came with the spring and it really moved things forth... Sometimes when the energy is stuck, it just has to stream right through, same with water. And even if the pressure of its suddenness slams you against the wall - It's ok. Something new and good will come. You will see..
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I often see myself struggling to find a place and a name.. for my projects and for myself.
When verbalising those issues, I immediately notice the connection between them and the events from my early childhood: being given my first name after my mother and not feeling comfortable with that (my mother was then called "Big Agnieszka" by our close relatives, and I was called "Small Agnieszka"), and then the separation of my parents: moving houses many times before finding firmer ground. So I want to address these matters, and give myself permission.. to feel lost and unnamed and just drifting. To give myself permission to carry any name in the Universe and relate to it strongly or not to relate to it at all.. to give myself permission to start and continue with projects which names I feel unsure about (after giving them). I did struggle with my daughter's name after we named her. I still sometimes struggle with my website / email name, 11 years after naming it... Isn't it just funny? Terrible. Scary. Ridiculous. Sad. Irrational.. But maybe it's just what it is? And it's ok.. I want to give myself permission to feel OK with it. To let go the tension that's connected to it - the feeling of ungroundedness that's connected to it... On the contrary I am currently experiencing a deep sense of grounding and belonging, as we have just moved houses, and this one responds to many of my needs, nestling me in a comfortable position and encouraging to explore the new. There's a large and varied garden where we've planted vegetables and herbs, my own room (space to create and retreat), wood on the internal walls, old type of windows with no plastic and trees and bushes peeking through them from all sides. I feel content here. It is my place, no matter how impermanent, and it feels good. Feeling myself comfortable in the physical space, I start to get comfortable with the intangible positions of my inner self: the sense of identity coming from a name, the meaning behind it. Accepting what is and trusting it to be the best possible for the moment, and for life. I start to take sightseeing walks around my thought patterns and observe them with no judgement.. And the virtual part of my reality: I watch what's been created so far and admire it. Name or no name, I've done some job while floating out there.. It's good to know yourself, and allow yourself. This is what I wish to you: space to be. Inside and outside. All the rest will become.. Today I'm thinking of new beginnings.. how the big things started for me. How I started them. The first one I want to describe, and from which the others originate - is how I left school, and dared to pursue my life "out of the box". I was 17, when I made a promise to my Grandpa one November while visiting his grave. I said that I would leave school, and one year later - I did it. Today I see it as my first independent step as adult. It was as though Grandpa asked me for it, or perhaps he suggested... He used to be a writer in his life, a journalist, a storyteller. I knew so little of him. Each year we came to clean his modest-made grave: no stones or granit plates to it, just a mound of soil covered with grass. We've put flowers and candles and spent some time there in silence. I believe my Father was saying poems in his heart. It was such a tender time.. And then one year I heard his voice.. offering, a little nudging, sending a concept right to my soul: "what if..?" Quitting wasn't easy. I had to deal with disapproval of my Father, who at that time was also my biology and geography teacher at school. Ex head-master teacher of my class and ex school's main director; it must have been hard for him too, to watch his daughter drifting into a whole other direction. Non conforming. Too free to be accepted... I quit simply because I wanted to have more time for doing the things I loved doing. And it really turned out so. It was early April, days were growing longer, and I was riding thought them on my new bicycle. There was suddenly NOTHING I needed to do.. But I did a lot of things I enjoyed: I drew, sew, danced, rode my bike, sung, explored Photoshop and my digital drawing pad, joined online Artists Community, listened to the music ALL the time and played my own music too, wrote poetry, wrote my memories,hopes and dreams... Finally I had the time for it all. Unlimited. Unbound. That spring I had given myself the key to the new world, which was entirely mine, and I was its creator. It felt enormously good. And it was simple.. Because of Being in conflict with my father, I have moved out from the city and into my mother's newly built house in the outskirts. The forest and meadows were right beside. My room was then still under construction, but as Grandma lived in her Forest House for the warm season, I was able to live in her apartament (half of the first floor of that house my mother had built). I had a small bedroom of my own, a spacious living room with a large desk, bathroom and kitchen, where I experimented with making my own foods for the first time. It was only a month or two before that I've recorded my first song. I had a simple acoustic guitar and was extremely inspired by seeing the film "Libertine", (which also became the title of my song). Some 2 years later I got my first digital mirror camera (Canon 450D) and started experimenting with photography. It was my 20th birthday and I wore a long black dress. I felt so happy and overwhelmed by a sense of opportunity, having no idea how to navigate that camera, I run upstairs with it straight away to do my first photo session! I used a thick, black tulle to match my dress and just had a lot of fun with it... A month or two later I started to fill my first Writing Practise notebook, with an intention to produce as much uninterrupted, free-flow writing as possible. I remember the first prompt I used. It was a line from a book Polish poet, Agnieszka Osiecka, and it said "Choć jeszcze jeden raz umrzeć z miłości..." (To die of love at least one more time..."). I moved from there. Sitting in my boyfriend's small apartament, I took some half an hour and filled 2 pages without pausing. It felt naked, daring and somewhat dangerous. I felt myself on a new mission, a gigantic wave from which one couldn't slide, but just drift on and on and on... In Autumn 2011 I took my first steps on Weebly platform and started to weave the virtual nest for my creations. The website was going to be just for myself and serve as archive for the things I was making, simply to keep an account of them and take pleasure in reviewing. I passed the link to my family and closer friends. I realised very soon that it was going to be my tool of empowerment as well... A reminder, that I was capable of making beautiful things, holding me through darker times and occasional stages of doubt. * * * I feel such gratitude.. to my family, myself and the world.. for this life and opportunities, for the threads of inspiration and the readiness to seize them.
The light and hope are much greater than I could ever comprehend, and I know there's so much NEW yet to come... |
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