Marvellous book and the circumstances in which I got it...
It was an evening of late March some 5 years ago. We entered an empty house. In fact the door was missing. Everyone has moved out and the place was soon to be demolished. In an empty room, on a wooden table laid a book – one single item remaining in that space... nothing else around, not even much furniture. I came closer to read the title and it said: „Comfortable with Uncertainty”. As it was the time when we ourselves were forced to move from a neighbouring house (also to be demolished) – the uncertainty was on full blast. We did not know where we would live next, and even if it was to be in the same country. The house where we've met and had lived in was a beautiful and unique place that we bonded with and being forced to leave it all of the sudden was surely not comfortable. But it took us new places.. It brought freshness. It came with the spring and it really moved things forth... Sometimes when the energy is stuck, it just has to stream right through, same with water. And even if the pressure of its suddenness slams you against the wall - It's ok. Something new and good will come. You will see..
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I often see myself struggling to find a place and a name.. for my projects and for myself.
When verbalising those issues, I immediately notice the connection between them and the events from my early childhood: being given my first name after my mother and not feeling comfortable with that (my mother was then called "Big Agnieszka" by our close relatives, and I was called "Small Agnieszka"), and then the separation of my parents: moving houses many times before finding firmer ground. So I want to address these matters, and give myself permission.. to feel lost and unnamed and just drifting. To give myself permission to carry any name in the Universe and relate to it strongly or not to relate to it at all.. to give myself permission to start and continue with projects which names I feel unsure about (after giving them). I did struggle with my daughter's name after we named her. I still sometimes struggle with my website / email name, 11 years after naming it... Isn't it just funny? Terrible. Scary. Ridiculous. Sad. Irrational.. But maybe it's just what it is? And it's ok.. I want to give myself permission to feel OK with it. To let go the tension that's connected to it - the feeling of ungroundedness that's connected to it... On the contrary I am currently experiencing a deep sense of grounding and belonging, as we have just moved houses, and this one responds to many of my needs, nestling me in a comfortable position and encouraging to explore the new. There's a large and varied garden where we've planted vegetables and herbs, my own room (space to create and retreat), wood on the internal walls, old type of windows with no plastic and trees and bushes peeking through them from all sides. I feel content here. It is my place, no matter how impermanent, and it feels good. Feeling myself comfortable in the physical space, I start to get comfortable with the intangible positions of my inner self: the sense of identity coming from a name, the meaning behind it. Accepting what is and trusting it to be the best possible for the moment, and for life. I start to take sightseeing walks around my thought patterns and observe them with no judgement.. And the virtual part of my reality: I watch what's been created so far and admire it. Name or no name, I've done some job while floating out there.. It's good to know yourself, and allow yourself. This is what I wish to you: space to be. Inside and outside. All the rest will become.. |
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